Monday, November 9, 2009

Dear Brandy #2

Brandy, your words touch me tremendously. I don't know what to say. I will never know the pain you are feeling. All I can say to you is that I will be here whenever you need something. Anything from talking, to just sitting, to hang out, anything. You have always been one of my closest cousins. You gave me the idea to start my blog. In essence you gave me the push and strength to open up about me and the struggles I have been going through. You have filled a portion of the hole that is in my heart. I know I am like a broken record saying thank you, but from the depths of my heart, THANK YOU.
I am really happy that you liked my last blog. I was in a very different mood than I have been in recent days. I am calling this my new "Happy, High" state. I just felt on top of the world, looking down unto creation. So I knew I had to blog, I had to write what was on my mind in Saturday evening news form.This knew mood let me open up slightly of my strongest fear, actually my if I see a spider I want to yell and scream at the top of my lungs pee myself and beg God to please have someone come get this thing away from me. To me spider are horrific demons sent to earth by Satan to test us. I am weak in this test as I fear them with all my being. More importantly I was able to open up about my dad. I loved him with all my being, but never truly knew him. This has caused me to have abandonment issues which I am working on in therapy. I have the greatest therapist n the world and am looking forward to seeing her for our session at 11am.
Brandy and anyone else who reads my blogs, I am sure you can see and read I have written this in the form of a letter. I did this because I wanted to show how different my writings can be with different affects of my disease. Type 1 Bi-Polar is a disease that causes the person to have extreme highs in behaviors, normal behaviors, depression, low depression, and then an absolute extreme depression...I am not looking forward to any of the stages but normalcy, but honestly, what is it to be normal. I know I am going to have to face the extreme depression head on. I will fight it with all my might. I find it strange though how on Saturday I felt so fine and on top of the world to now being Tuesday and I am beginning to feel depression creep in on me. I am so scared of the depression. I have had flashbacks and dreams the last few nights of the last time I got depressed. The feeling of the world squeezing the life out of you. I was weak that time and I let the depression squeeze at full force. That was the night I overdosed and ended up in CCU in critical condition followed by a week long commitment to the phyciatric floor. Those 2 weeks I spent in the hospital opened my eyes and saved myself from myself. I am planning on writing about the overdose and what all occurred that lead up to this overdose in the next few days honestly depending on what my therapist says to me tomorrow. I know she will be proud of me keeping a diary, so thank you for the gift of this you gave to me Brandy.
I know I probably have worried everyone a bit about me beginning to feel depressed and the last time depression I attempted suicide. I made a promise to you Brandy my kindred spirit, a promise I also made to my mom. I will never attempt to harm myself intentionally again. The last few months I have realized how precious and how fragile life is. I am scared of the depression, but I will win with the support of my friends and my family. I know I have that and that I will always have that. So thanks to Brandy and the rest of the family for supporting me. I know everyone has issues in their lives and am glad that they have rallied around me to help carry me to Michael version 2.0. I especially want to thank you Brandy. You are one of the strongest women I know. I see you and I see the strength that Martha and Grandma had. You are a true Hammond woman. I want you to know I love you.
Okay all it is 3am and time for beddie bye.
Love you all,
Paul Michael Forester

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Hello, I am Paul Michael Forester the first and this is your Saturday night evening update!!!!!

I Know the entire family loves me and am graetful for everything that has been done for me. The last few weeks have just been really really rough. Adjusting to new meds, dealing with new and old side effects. I feel like a zombie half of the time. I know that eventually it will level out. I honestly feel like a scared little boy whom has lost his mommy and lost his way home.
I hate the feeling of being lost and being alone. Next to spiders these are two of my greatest fears. As I have stated in past entries I suffer from post traumatic stress dissorder. My therapist and psychiatrist really want me to explore the reason behind my PTSD, which we are. They both want to start by slowly adding spiders back into my life. This horrifies me. There are times I see one of those evil little monsters and lose it. I will scream, I will cry, I will break out into hives, I have recently began having flashbacks of my past surgeries and especially the day the artery in my abdomen blew out. I am more horrified now of spiders than before. I don't want to constantly relive these moments. I almost died, I don't need daily reminders if this.
The psychiatrist also says that simnce I fear lonliness, losing my way and not being able to find my mom, that he wants to explore what is triggering these abdoment issues for me. We focused alot on my father, God rest his soul. Talking to the Dr. then to my mom caused a mini break thru of sorts and it mainly dealt with my age and being the middle child. I truly did not know my dad as well I I would have liked to have. I feel that both my other brothers one older one younger knew dad better than I did because of things that happened during life. I dont want to offened my brothers by saying they knew our dad better and that dad loved them more. I know my dad loved me the same, even after I told him I am a Fag lol. While I was a school aged kind and adolescence my dad drove a truck and was never home. Once I hit High school his health forced him to quit working> I was a social butterfly in high school and was never ever home. Durining this time frame J.R. became close along with his Noodles 1, 2, and 3,. When it came down to it I honestly didn't know dad. Now we bonded greatly in the sgort time we had together before he died. I will always treasure that time, mainly because he told me he loved me and accepted me and my boyfriend. He accepted my lifestyle and him telling me that filled a huge part of the hole in my heart. Things acctually began to crumble for me mentally after Dad died, I think that is when the Bi-Polarism manifested, the time line of typical manifestations of severe type 1 Bi-Polarism and when I began to change started at that age range. If only I knew then what I know now so much would be differnt, but the past is just that, the past and I cannot fix it. I am currently working on a new Prototype of Paul Michael Forester 2.0 with the help of dr.'s, therapists (by the way, I have the best therapist. Darcy you rule.), and of course my family.
I have written enough for this edition but do plan to write again tomorrow. Oh and to give a shout to to Brandy Hammond-Miller my cousin and kindred spirit, I told my therapist and psychiatrist about my blog. I told them you recomended it and they said to tell you thank you. I also for therapy reasons to help deal with a side effect of one of my meds writing a dream journal. That journal is handwritten for reasons of embarassment to me. Darcy, my therapist told when I was ready I should have you read a few of the entries to help my healing. I want to do this if you are willing to read them sometime. Don't worry they arent sick, nasty, scary, disgusting, or horrifying at all. Darcy said I have worked up a report with you that few people have happen. Well as i said earlier I need to end this update.

This is Paul Michael Forester reporting live and in dolby digital HD from my bedroom in my New Lexington, Ohio home saying to please help control the worlds animal population, Please have your pet spaed or nuetered.
Forester Out

Friday, November 6, 2009

PeAcE yAlL

MY BLOG MY BLOG MY BLOG MY BLOG MY BLOG CHECK IT OUT NOW. Sorta like Fergies lovely lady lump.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Broken Heart, Nothing new for me

Broken Hearts are nothing to me anymore. I seem to get one once or twice a week. All I ever want to do is help and it always blows up in my face. As having a nursing background I know a few tricks to help people deal with their pain issues legally. Well My mom has had both knees replaced and has restless leg syndrome. The combination of the 2 make her have severe almost unbearable pain at times. I talked to her dr. Personally as well as her Pharmacist whom I trust. They told me both to do the same thing which I did. While doing so I felt spied on as usual. and Someone I trust with my life goes and tells my mom I pocketed some of her pills, which I did in order to do what was prescribed to do. So I was made to look like an ASS as usual. Instead of ASSUMING I am stealing please come ask me I will tell you what I am doing, in fact I will show you how to do it yourself so next time I won't be the one with the pills in my pocket, you will be. I am not a perfect person and I fight my demons daily, please don't add to my stress. I just now am starting to regain some parts of who I use to be. Don't ruin it for me. I don't want to snap again and end up In the physc ward again. I have fought to hard and am continuing to fight for my sanity. I am sick I know that and I know it is going to be a long time before I am better. Don't hinder my progress I beg you. As for borrowing pills from mom I will be the first to say yes I have. At times I do need a xanax or 2 to help calm me down, but I repay her always whether it be a xanax of mine or a valium. Don't make me look like the bad guy who always borrows from my mom because I am not... I know for a fact others borrow from her as well. Take a hard look at yourselves before you completely judge me.
Love you all
Paul Michael Forester