Monday, November 9, 2009

Dear Brandy #2

Brandy, your words touch me tremendously. I don't know what to say. I will never know the pain you are feeling. All I can say to you is that I will be here whenever you need something. Anything from talking, to just sitting, to hang out, anything. You have always been one of my closest cousins. You gave me the idea to start my blog. In essence you gave me the push and strength to open up about me and the struggles I have been going through. You have filled a portion of the hole that is in my heart. I know I am like a broken record saying thank you, but from the depths of my heart, THANK YOU.
I am really happy that you liked my last blog. I was in a very different mood than I have been in recent days. I am calling this my new "Happy, High" state. I just felt on top of the world, looking down unto creation. So I knew I had to blog, I had to write what was on my mind in Saturday evening news form.This knew mood let me open up slightly of my strongest fear, actually my if I see a spider I want to yell and scream at the top of my lungs pee myself and beg God to please have someone come get this thing away from me. To me spider are horrific demons sent to earth by Satan to test us. I am weak in this test as I fear them with all my being. More importantly I was able to open up about my dad. I loved him with all my being, but never truly knew him. This has caused me to have abandonment issues which I am working on in therapy. I have the greatest therapist n the world and am looking forward to seeing her for our session at 11am.
Brandy and anyone else who reads my blogs, I am sure you can see and read I have written this in the form of a letter. I did this because I wanted to show how different my writings can be with different affects of my disease. Type 1 Bi-Polar is a disease that causes the person to have extreme highs in behaviors, normal behaviors, depression, low depression, and then an absolute extreme depression...I am not looking forward to any of the stages but normalcy, but honestly, what is it to be normal. I know I am going to have to face the extreme depression head on. I will fight it with all my might. I find it strange though how on Saturday I felt so fine and on top of the world to now being Tuesday and I am beginning to feel depression creep in on me. I am so scared of the depression. I have had flashbacks and dreams the last few nights of the last time I got depressed. The feeling of the world squeezing the life out of you. I was weak that time and I let the depression squeeze at full force. That was the night I overdosed and ended up in CCU in critical condition followed by a week long commitment to the phyciatric floor. Those 2 weeks I spent in the hospital opened my eyes and saved myself from myself. I am planning on writing about the overdose and what all occurred that lead up to this overdose in the next few days honestly depending on what my therapist says to me tomorrow. I know she will be proud of me keeping a diary, so thank you for the gift of this you gave to me Brandy.
I know I probably have worried everyone a bit about me beginning to feel depressed and the last time depression I attempted suicide. I made a promise to you Brandy my kindred spirit, a promise I also made to my mom. I will never attempt to harm myself intentionally again. The last few months I have realized how precious and how fragile life is. I am scared of the depression, but I will win with the support of my friends and my family. I know I have that and that I will always have that. So thanks to Brandy and the rest of the family for supporting me. I know everyone has issues in their lives and am glad that they have rallied around me to help carry me to Michael version 2.0. I especially want to thank you Brandy. You are one of the strongest women I know. I see you and I see the strength that Martha and Grandma had. You are a true Hammond woman. I want you to know I love you.
Okay all it is 3am and time for beddie bye.
Love you all,
Paul Michael Forester

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