Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Disagreeing drs

so I neglected my blog because of mania and because I had 2 very important dr appointments this week. One of which was today and the dr says physically I cannot work for a year because of my abdominal issues. Which is cool I can deal with that. Yesterday though I had my mental exam lol...That was fun. I thought every thing was fine and I did well... I guessed wrong lol. At the end of the session I was told I was nuttier than a fruit and he did not feel comfortable letting me go back to work for an indefinite amount of time. Which does bother me but I will deal. LOL that old bastard actually said I was nuttier than a fruit cake. I guess I take after my grandmother God rest her soul. I do know I have alot of mental health issues I will return to somewhat stable position at one point. I promise to write again soon. Oh Brandy if you read this Jill wants to know if you and Russ are coming saturday, her and J.R. both would like to see you, I would too, I want to thank you in person. Love ya
Paul Michael Forester

Friday, October 23, 2009

Mania aside; a letter of sorts to a dear friend and kindred spirit

Dear Brandy,

I know the last few months of been trying for you and could never imagine your pain and grief. You and Russ are in my prayers nightly. Things you have written me have really started to change my life. Though what happened to me is nothing in comparison to what happened to you, you were able to give me a sense of solice and meaning. You were the one to tell me to blog and though this is but my 3rd blog I have been able to open up and break a barrier that was holding me back, a barrier that until you helped me closed me off of most of the important aspects of life. I have a long and painful road of mental anguish left ahead but I know I will beat this. I will never be the "Old" Paul Michael, but I honestly am looking forward to meeting the "New" Paul Michael. Like you told me the new me might be better. I feel a shimmer of me returning so I think the meds are working. I just get down because I know I will have to take all these meds the rest of my life.

I want to make a promise to you, the reasoning behind this is because you are family and my therapist told me to find a "kindred spirit" and make this promise to. As you probably knew unless the family for once didn't say anything, which i doubt lol. The last time I was hospitalized and placed in CCU then signing myself into the physc unit was because I tried to kill myself. This was before I got all the different physc. diagnoses. The night it happened I heard voices and just gave up and tried to end it all like a coward. The experience was one of the worst but best things to happen to me. I realized how much I loved life. Growing up we were close and seeing how you have helped me so much is why I make you this promise. Brandy I promise you I will never intentionally try to harm myself again. You are my kindred spirit friend. I hope it is okay I made you this promise. Please also remember i am always here for you if you need to talk, to walk, or just get away. Thank you for teaching me about blogging, Well I won't keep you Have a good night give Russel my Love.

I love you and thanks again

Paul Michael Forester.

Feelings of hurt and Mania Rein supreme...A Day of Hurt an Hell... OH MY!!!

I feel really lost today, I just don't know what to do. I am literally bouncing off the walls , doing this, doing that, reading this reading that. The racing thoughts, all sorts of thoughts won't stop. I can't stop them. Running from room to room, wearing myself thin hoping to tire myself out so I can sleep. I haven't slept in in a few days. Typical for a Bi-polar day. Typical for me. This has gotten so bad today the one person I depend on most had to leave because I was driving her crazy and making her a nervous mess. I understand completely, though it still has hurt my feelings tremendously. I have done all the relaxation techniques my Dr. and therapist have taught me, but they don't work. I am bawling my eyes out as I write this. Why me. Why did I get chosen for this, have I not suffered enough. What I am doing and going through is not my fault. I don't know how to stop. I felt like my greatest fear has come true today. My greatest support gave up. I know in my heart she didn't, I just feel she did.
What am I supposed to do lock myself up. avoid everyone at all cost. Am I supposed to give in to the disease and just give up. I want to ball myself up in a corner and wither like the trees of fall. I am sorry I am not normal and I am sorry I am making everyone a nervous wreck. Please look at it from my point of view try to walk a mile in my shoes, I will gladly allow you to do so. I want to be free, I want to be "normal" whatever that means. GOD I HATE THIS!!!!!!! I want salvation, I want freedom, I want a cure, I want to walk away from this life at times and start over. Maybe then I won't be "The Certified Bi-Polar Nut Job." Maybe walking away will free me from from the accusations I always get from medicine of my mothers coming up missing, when it is locked away from me where I can't get to it. Where it has been proven on more than one occasion that the idiots at the pharmacy made huge errors and ripped her off. Even after these things were found out I never received a simple apology. Not once. I am many things but I am not a thief, and I couldn't steal from my mother... She is my best friend. I want trust to be given back, but it won't happen. Just the other day mom needed a prescription refilled a script that had to be picked up at the Dr. office. My younger brother and his wife picked it up for her and got it filled. They brought the script to her then proceeded to give her enough pills for like 2 days. The prescription then went home with them to ensure my mom was taking the correct dose and to ensure they would be safe. In other words to keep them from Paul Michael. Another break in my heart occurred. I have never done anything wrong to my brothers wife, but on more than one occasion I have been verbally attacked by her when she stuck her nose in a disagreement I was having with my mother. Telling me to "Bring it on Bitch." for one I am no ones bitch, I never have been nor will I. When I politely ask her to stay out of things that don't concern her it is misconstrued and of course I am the bad guy. There are times I wish I could leave and just start over, It will never happen though. My mom should be in charge of her own medicine and the medicine should be here where she can get to them. If it is her telling them to keep the meds for her to keep them from me then tell me mom. If they are just keeping them because they feel the need to they have no right to do so. I am not an angel nor have I ever professed to being one but I WOULD NOT STEAL FROM MY MOM!!!!! If you think I would then FUCK YOU!!! I love my family with all me being, with my heart, with all my soul. Today I feel hurt and betrayed and it is because of this God forsaken mania. I could be doing much much worse things while under a mania spell people. I could be taking pills, smoking mariuana, smoking crack, doing meth, or sorting whatever the hell I could get my hands on, I know though family members aready think this is being done, oh well fuck them. My mania usually consists of me talkling non stop and and I do mean non stop and cleaning nearly everything imaginable. Which I don't think is to bad. I am sorry If I hurt anyone from this post but just stop and think about how hurt and saddened I am. What happened has just instantly stopped the mania and thrown me to an extremely low spot...yet again I want to curl up into a ball and fade.
I will Blog to you all tomorrow when I am sure I will feel somewhat better later all and thanks for listening well actually reading.
All My Love
Paul Michael Forester

Thursday, October 22, 2009

My Face book posting

So as most of the family knows by now I have been diagnosed as being Bi-Polar type 1, having PTSD, as well as panic disorder. Looking back I have been struggling for years. Hiding my problems from the people whom I love and cherish the most. Like mos...t people with these diseases instead of seeking help I self medicated the highs and lows myself. I knew I was able to handle this myself.
I was determined to keep this a secret. To make a long story shorter after the break up between my boyfriend Jesse I, yes I am gay deal with it, I lost it. I did things I swore I would never do. Isolated myself from the world, from my family. At one ......point, the point my mom stepped in, I attempted suicide by over dose
I wanted to take the cowards way out to deal with the pain, the loss of love, the loss of control. To save myself I gave up my career, my lively hood. Still not believing there was a problem. I began living life as a complete empty shell, barely a gl...impse of the Paul Michael I knew remained. I went on 3 years like this. It was the bite of a brown recluse spider that actually saved my life. I spent about 3 months in the hospital between sept 2008- sept 2009 I had a total of 11 surgeries, 4 of which were life or death as I contracted the flesh eating bacteria. Once I was sent home an artery burst while I was sleeping when I woke My room looked like a murder scene.

With that repaired I was sent home. During the time in the hopital though Dr.'s accused me of doing all of this to myself which I didn't and test proved me correct. They all thought I should see Phsyc though, Which I reluctantly agreed. It ......was the best decision I ever made. I let loose tears of pain, anger, and sadness

The Dr. then did his evaluations and was able to finally tell me what was wrong with me... I was diagnosed with type 1 Bi-Polarism, PTSD, and panic disorder. He then looked at me and told me not to worry, he would be there for me and he was going to He got me started on meds and got me placed in SCI of Zanesville and New Lexington. My therapist and Dr. are the greatest .

The only problem I have had to face as of late is the 2 meds I need more than anything, my depakote and seroquel cost me a combined amount of 700 dollars per month. I have no income until my social security goes through and I have to wait for the med...ical card for awhile longer because job and family services don't know what thy are doing

This whole ordeal put me in hyper panic mode, then my 2 guardian angels came to my rescue. My Dr. and his Nurse. They were able to me samples of those 2 medications as long as I needed them, either when the company paid for them or I received the med...ical card. The reason I wrote this whole thing was to make people aware of Bi-Polarism and try to get people to understand it is a horrid disease to have.
Parents who suspect their child may have this disease should seek help, make the dr. listen. This is a hereditary disease that is not biased and can and will strike whom ever it feels like. Be patient with Bi-polar people too. One day we could be manic and the next day not want to move out of the bed and have no contact with anyone. A true friend will stand by and helpSorry everone for my rantting but tonight I am manic myself and this is one way I cope is writing , so I figure I would write to my facebook friends. PeAcE oUt Paul Michael Forester.

ThisBlog was done by myself a few days agp pn facebook my Cousin Brandy told me I needed to start a blog here so I am. I would like to tell People the ups and downs of Bi-polarism as well as Post traumtic stress dissorder and extreme panic disorder.