Monday, November 9, 2009

Dear Brandy #2

Brandy, your words touch me tremendously. I don't know what to say. I will never know the pain you are feeling. All I can say to you is that I will be here whenever you need something. Anything from talking, to just sitting, to hang out, anything. You have always been one of my closest cousins. You gave me the idea to start my blog. In essence you gave me the push and strength to open up about me and the struggles I have been going through. You have filled a portion of the hole that is in my heart. I know I am like a broken record saying thank you, but from the depths of my heart, THANK YOU.
I am really happy that you liked my last blog. I was in a very different mood than I have been in recent days. I am calling this my new "Happy, High" state. I just felt on top of the world, looking down unto creation. So I knew I had to blog, I had to write what was on my mind in Saturday evening news form.This knew mood let me open up slightly of my strongest fear, actually my if I see a spider I want to yell and scream at the top of my lungs pee myself and beg God to please have someone come get this thing away from me. To me spider are horrific demons sent to earth by Satan to test us. I am weak in this test as I fear them with all my being. More importantly I was able to open up about my dad. I loved him with all my being, but never truly knew him. This has caused me to have abandonment issues which I am working on in therapy. I have the greatest therapist n the world and am looking forward to seeing her for our session at 11am.
Brandy and anyone else who reads my blogs, I am sure you can see and read I have written this in the form of a letter. I did this because I wanted to show how different my writings can be with different affects of my disease. Type 1 Bi-Polar is a disease that causes the person to have extreme highs in behaviors, normal behaviors, depression, low depression, and then an absolute extreme depression...I am not looking forward to any of the stages but normalcy, but honestly, what is it to be normal. I know I am going to have to face the extreme depression head on. I will fight it with all my might. I find it strange though how on Saturday I felt so fine and on top of the world to now being Tuesday and I am beginning to feel depression creep in on me. I am so scared of the depression. I have had flashbacks and dreams the last few nights of the last time I got depressed. The feeling of the world squeezing the life out of you. I was weak that time and I let the depression squeeze at full force. That was the night I overdosed and ended up in CCU in critical condition followed by a week long commitment to the phyciatric floor. Those 2 weeks I spent in the hospital opened my eyes and saved myself from myself. I am planning on writing about the overdose and what all occurred that lead up to this overdose in the next few days honestly depending on what my therapist says to me tomorrow. I know she will be proud of me keeping a diary, so thank you for the gift of this you gave to me Brandy.
I know I probably have worried everyone a bit about me beginning to feel depressed and the last time depression I attempted suicide. I made a promise to you Brandy my kindred spirit, a promise I also made to my mom. I will never attempt to harm myself intentionally again. The last few months I have realized how precious and how fragile life is. I am scared of the depression, but I will win with the support of my friends and my family. I know I have that and that I will always have that. So thanks to Brandy and the rest of the family for supporting me. I know everyone has issues in their lives and am glad that they have rallied around me to help carry me to Michael version 2.0. I especially want to thank you Brandy. You are one of the strongest women I know. I see you and I see the strength that Martha and Grandma had. You are a true Hammond woman. I want you to know I love you.
Okay all it is 3am and time for beddie bye.
Love you all,
Paul Michael Forester

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Hello, I am Paul Michael Forester the first and this is your Saturday night evening update!!!!!

I Know the entire family loves me and am graetful for everything that has been done for me. The last few weeks have just been really really rough. Adjusting to new meds, dealing with new and old side effects. I feel like a zombie half of the time. I know that eventually it will level out. I honestly feel like a scared little boy whom has lost his mommy and lost his way home.
I hate the feeling of being lost and being alone. Next to spiders these are two of my greatest fears. As I have stated in past entries I suffer from post traumatic stress dissorder. My therapist and psychiatrist really want me to explore the reason behind my PTSD, which we are. They both want to start by slowly adding spiders back into my life. This horrifies me. There are times I see one of those evil little monsters and lose it. I will scream, I will cry, I will break out into hives, I have recently began having flashbacks of my past surgeries and especially the day the artery in my abdomen blew out. I am more horrified now of spiders than before. I don't want to constantly relive these moments. I almost died, I don't need daily reminders if this.
The psychiatrist also says that simnce I fear lonliness, losing my way and not being able to find my mom, that he wants to explore what is triggering these abdoment issues for me. We focused alot on my father, God rest his soul. Talking to the Dr. then to my mom caused a mini break thru of sorts and it mainly dealt with my age and being the middle child. I truly did not know my dad as well I I would have liked to have. I feel that both my other brothers one older one younger knew dad better than I did because of things that happened during life. I dont want to offened my brothers by saying they knew our dad better and that dad loved them more. I know my dad loved me the same, even after I told him I am a Fag lol. While I was a school aged kind and adolescence my dad drove a truck and was never home. Once I hit High school his health forced him to quit working> I was a social butterfly in high school and was never ever home. Durining this time frame J.R. became close along with his Noodles 1, 2, and 3,. When it came down to it I honestly didn't know dad. Now we bonded greatly in the sgort time we had together before he died. I will always treasure that time, mainly because he told me he loved me and accepted me and my boyfriend. He accepted my lifestyle and him telling me that filled a huge part of the hole in my heart. Things acctually began to crumble for me mentally after Dad died, I think that is when the Bi-Polarism manifested, the time line of typical manifestations of severe type 1 Bi-Polarism and when I began to change started at that age range. If only I knew then what I know now so much would be differnt, but the past is just that, the past and I cannot fix it. I am currently working on a new Prototype of Paul Michael Forester 2.0 with the help of dr.'s, therapists (by the way, I have the best therapist. Darcy you rule.), and of course my family.
I have written enough for this edition but do plan to write again tomorrow. Oh and to give a shout to to Brandy Hammond-Miller my cousin and kindred spirit, I told my therapist and psychiatrist about my blog. I told them you recomended it and they said to tell you thank you. I also for therapy reasons to help deal with a side effect of one of my meds writing a dream journal. That journal is handwritten for reasons of embarassment to me. Darcy, my therapist told when I was ready I should have you read a few of the entries to help my healing. I want to do this if you are willing to read them sometime. Don't worry they arent sick, nasty, scary, disgusting, or horrifying at all. Darcy said I have worked up a report with you that few people have happen. Well as i said earlier I need to end this update.

This is Paul Michael Forester reporting live and in dolby digital HD from my bedroom in my New Lexington, Ohio home saying to please help control the worlds animal population, Please have your pet spaed or nuetered.
Forester Out

Friday, November 6, 2009

PeAcE yAlL

MY BLOG MY BLOG MY BLOG MY BLOG MY BLOG CHECK IT OUT NOW. Sorta like Fergies lovely lady lump.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Broken Heart, Nothing new for me

Broken Hearts are nothing to me anymore. I seem to get one once or twice a week. All I ever want to do is help and it always blows up in my face. As having a nursing background I know a few tricks to help people deal with their pain issues legally. Well My mom has had both knees replaced and has restless leg syndrome. The combination of the 2 make her have severe almost unbearable pain at times. I talked to her dr. Personally as well as her Pharmacist whom I trust. They told me both to do the same thing which I did. While doing so I felt spied on as usual. and Someone I trust with my life goes and tells my mom I pocketed some of her pills, which I did in order to do what was prescribed to do. So I was made to look like an ASS as usual. Instead of ASSUMING I am stealing please come ask me I will tell you what I am doing, in fact I will show you how to do it yourself so next time I won't be the one with the pills in my pocket, you will be. I am not a perfect person and I fight my demons daily, please don't add to my stress. I just now am starting to regain some parts of who I use to be. Don't ruin it for me. I don't want to snap again and end up In the physc ward again. I have fought to hard and am continuing to fight for my sanity. I am sick I know that and I know it is going to be a long time before I am better. Don't hinder my progress I beg you. As for borrowing pills from mom I will be the first to say yes I have. At times I do need a xanax or 2 to help calm me down, but I repay her always whether it be a xanax of mine or a valium. Don't make me look like the bad guy who always borrows from my mom because I am not... I know for a fact others borrow from her as well. Take a hard look at yourselves before you completely judge me.
Love you all
Paul Michael Forester

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Disagreeing drs

so I neglected my blog because of mania and because I had 2 very important dr appointments this week. One of which was today and the dr says physically I cannot work for a year because of my abdominal issues. Which is cool I can deal with that. Yesterday though I had my mental exam lol...That was fun. I thought every thing was fine and I did well... I guessed wrong lol. At the end of the session I was told I was nuttier than a fruit and he did not feel comfortable letting me go back to work for an indefinite amount of time. Which does bother me but I will deal. LOL that old bastard actually said I was nuttier than a fruit cake. I guess I take after my grandmother God rest her soul. I do know I have alot of mental health issues I will return to somewhat stable position at one point. I promise to write again soon. Oh Brandy if you read this Jill wants to know if you and Russ are coming saturday, her and J.R. both would like to see you, I would too, I want to thank you in person. Love ya
Paul Michael Forester

Friday, October 23, 2009

Mania aside; a letter of sorts to a dear friend and kindred spirit

Dear Brandy,

I know the last few months of been trying for you and could never imagine your pain and grief. You and Russ are in my prayers nightly. Things you have written me have really started to change my life. Though what happened to me is nothing in comparison to what happened to you, you were able to give me a sense of solice and meaning. You were the one to tell me to blog and though this is but my 3rd blog I have been able to open up and break a barrier that was holding me back, a barrier that until you helped me closed me off of most of the important aspects of life. I have a long and painful road of mental anguish left ahead but I know I will beat this. I will never be the "Old" Paul Michael, but I honestly am looking forward to meeting the "New" Paul Michael. Like you told me the new me might be better. I feel a shimmer of me returning so I think the meds are working. I just get down because I know I will have to take all these meds the rest of my life.

I want to make a promise to you, the reasoning behind this is because you are family and my therapist told me to find a "kindred spirit" and make this promise to. As you probably knew unless the family for once didn't say anything, which i doubt lol. The last time I was hospitalized and placed in CCU then signing myself into the physc unit was because I tried to kill myself. This was before I got all the different physc. diagnoses. The night it happened I heard voices and just gave up and tried to end it all like a coward. The experience was one of the worst but best things to happen to me. I realized how much I loved life. Growing up we were close and seeing how you have helped me so much is why I make you this promise. Brandy I promise you I will never intentionally try to harm myself again. You are my kindred spirit friend. I hope it is okay I made you this promise. Please also remember i am always here for you if you need to talk, to walk, or just get away. Thank you for teaching me about blogging, Well I won't keep you Have a good night give Russel my Love.

I love you and thanks again

Paul Michael Forester.

Feelings of hurt and Mania Rein supreme...A Day of Hurt an Hell... OH MY!!!

I feel really lost today, I just don't know what to do. I am literally bouncing off the walls , doing this, doing that, reading this reading that. The racing thoughts, all sorts of thoughts won't stop. I can't stop them. Running from room to room, wearing myself thin hoping to tire myself out so I can sleep. I haven't slept in in a few days. Typical for a Bi-polar day. Typical for me. This has gotten so bad today the one person I depend on most had to leave because I was driving her crazy and making her a nervous mess. I understand completely, though it still has hurt my feelings tremendously. I have done all the relaxation techniques my Dr. and therapist have taught me, but they don't work. I am bawling my eyes out as I write this. Why me. Why did I get chosen for this, have I not suffered enough. What I am doing and going through is not my fault. I don't know how to stop. I felt like my greatest fear has come true today. My greatest support gave up. I know in my heart she didn't, I just feel she did.
What am I supposed to do lock myself up. avoid everyone at all cost. Am I supposed to give in to the disease and just give up. I want to ball myself up in a corner and wither like the trees of fall. I am sorry I am not normal and I am sorry I am making everyone a nervous wreck. Please look at it from my point of view try to walk a mile in my shoes, I will gladly allow you to do so. I want to be free, I want to be "normal" whatever that means. GOD I HATE THIS!!!!!!! I want salvation, I want freedom, I want a cure, I want to walk away from this life at times and start over. Maybe then I won't be "The Certified Bi-Polar Nut Job." Maybe walking away will free me from from the accusations I always get from medicine of my mothers coming up missing, when it is locked away from me where I can't get to it. Where it has been proven on more than one occasion that the idiots at the pharmacy made huge errors and ripped her off. Even after these things were found out I never received a simple apology. Not once. I am many things but I am not a thief, and I couldn't steal from my mother... She is my best friend. I want trust to be given back, but it won't happen. Just the other day mom needed a prescription refilled a script that had to be picked up at the Dr. office. My younger brother and his wife picked it up for her and got it filled. They brought the script to her then proceeded to give her enough pills for like 2 days. The prescription then went home with them to ensure my mom was taking the correct dose and to ensure they would be safe. In other words to keep them from Paul Michael. Another break in my heart occurred. I have never done anything wrong to my brothers wife, but on more than one occasion I have been verbally attacked by her when she stuck her nose in a disagreement I was having with my mother. Telling me to "Bring it on Bitch." for one I am no ones bitch, I never have been nor will I. When I politely ask her to stay out of things that don't concern her it is misconstrued and of course I am the bad guy. There are times I wish I could leave and just start over, It will never happen though. My mom should be in charge of her own medicine and the medicine should be here where she can get to them. If it is her telling them to keep the meds for her to keep them from me then tell me mom. If they are just keeping them because they feel the need to they have no right to do so. I am not an angel nor have I ever professed to being one but I WOULD NOT STEAL FROM MY MOM!!!!! If you think I would then FUCK YOU!!! I love my family with all me being, with my heart, with all my soul. Today I feel hurt and betrayed and it is because of this God forsaken mania. I could be doing much much worse things while under a mania spell people. I could be taking pills, smoking mariuana, smoking crack, doing meth, or sorting whatever the hell I could get my hands on, I know though family members aready think this is being done, oh well fuck them. My mania usually consists of me talkling non stop and and I do mean non stop and cleaning nearly everything imaginable. Which I don't think is to bad. I am sorry If I hurt anyone from this post but just stop and think about how hurt and saddened I am. What happened has just instantly stopped the mania and thrown me to an extremely low spot...yet again I want to curl up into a ball and fade.
I will Blog to you all tomorrow when I am sure I will feel somewhat better later all and thanks for listening well actually reading.
All My Love
Paul Michael Forester