I Know the entire family loves me and am graetful for everything that has been done for me. The last few weeks have just been really really rough. Adjusting to new meds, dealing with new and old side effects. I feel like a zombie half of the time. I know that eventually it will level out. I honestly feel like a scared little boy whom has lost his mommy and lost his way home.
I hate the feeling of being lost and being alone. Next to spiders these are two of my greatest fears. As I have stated in past entries I suffer from post traumatic stress dissorder. My therapist and psychiatrist really want me to explore the reason behind my PTSD, which we are. They both want to start by slowly adding spiders back into my life. This horrifies me. There are times I see one of those evil little monsters and lose it. I will scream, I will cry, I will break out into hives, I have recently began having flashbacks of my past surgeries and especially the day the artery in my abdomen blew out. I am more horrified now of spiders than before. I don't want to constantly relive these moments. I almost died, I don't need daily reminders if this.
The psychiatrist also says that simnce I fear lonliness, losing my way and not being able to find my mom, that he wants to explore what is triggering these abdoment issues for me. We focused alot on my father, God rest his soul. Talking to the Dr. then to my mom caused a mini break thru of sorts and it mainly dealt with my age and being the middle child. I truly did not know my dad as well I I would have liked to have. I feel that both my other brothers one older one younger knew dad better than I did because of things that happened during life. I dont want to offened my brothers by saying they knew our dad better and that dad loved them more. I know my dad loved me the same, even after I told him I am a Fag lol. While I was a school aged kind and adolescence my dad drove a truck and was never home. Once I hit High school his health forced him to quit working> I was a social butterfly in high school and was never ever home. Durining this time frame J.R. became close along with his Noodles 1, 2, and 3,. When it came down to it I honestly didn't know dad. Now we bonded greatly in the sgort time we had together before he died. I will always treasure that time, mainly because he told me he loved me and accepted me and my boyfriend. He accepted my lifestyle and him telling me that filled a huge part of the hole in my heart. Things acctually began to crumble for me mentally after Dad died, I think that is when the Bi-Polarism manifested, the time line of typical manifestations of severe type 1 Bi-Polarism and when I began to change started at that age range. If only I knew then what I know now so much would be differnt, but the past is just that, the past and I cannot fix it. I am currently working on a new Prototype of Paul Michael Forester 2.0 with the help of dr.'s, therapists (by the way, I have the best therapist. Darcy you rule.), and of course my family.
I have written enough for this edition but do plan to write again tomorrow. Oh and to give a shout to to Brandy Hammond-Miller my cousin and kindred spirit, I told my therapist and psychiatrist about my blog. I told them you recomended it and they said to tell you thank you. I also for therapy reasons to help deal with a side effect of one of my meds writing a dream journal. That journal is handwritten for reasons of embarassment to me. Darcy, my therapist told when I was ready I should have you read a few of the entries to help my healing. I want to do this if you are willing to read them sometime. Don't worry they arent sick, nasty, scary, disgusting, or horrifying at all. Darcy said I have worked up a report with you that few people have happen. Well as i said earlier I need to end this update.
This is Paul Michael Forester reporting live and in dolby digital HD from my bedroom in my New Lexington, Ohio home saying to please help control the worlds animal population, Please have your pet spaed or nuetered.