I feel really lost today, I just don't know what to do. I am literally bouncing off the walls , doing this, doing that, reading this reading that. The racing thoughts, all sorts of thoughts won't stop. I can't stop them. Running from room to room, wearing myself thin hoping to tire myself out so I can sleep. I haven't slept in in a few days. Typical for a Bi-polar day. Typical for me. This has gotten so bad today the one person I depend on most had to leave because I was driving her crazy and making her a nervous mess. I understand completely, though it still has hurt my feelings tremendously. I have done all the relaxation techniques my Dr. and therapist have taught me, but they don't work. I am bawling my eyes out as I write this. Why me. Why did I get chosen for this, have I not suffered enough. What I am doing and going through is not my fault. I don't know how to stop. I felt like my greatest fear has come true today. My greatest support gave up. I know in my heart she didn't, I just feel she did.
What am I supposed to do lock myself up. avoid everyone at all cost. Am I supposed to give in to the disease and just give up. I want to ball myself up in a corner and wither like the trees of fall. I am sorry I am not normal and I am sorry I am making everyone a nervous wreck. Please look at it from my point of view try to walk a mile in my shoes, I will gladly allow you to do so. I want to be free, I want to be "normal" whatever that means. GOD I HATE THIS!!!!!!! I want salvation, I want freedom, I want a cure, I want to walk away from this life at times and start over. Maybe then I won't be "The Certified Bi-Polar Nut Job." Maybe walking away will free me from from the accusations I always get from medicine of my mothers coming up missing, when it is locked away from me where I can't get to it. Where it has been proven on more than one occasion that the idiots at the pharmacy made huge errors and ripped her off. Even after these things were found out I never received a simple apology. Not once. I am many things but I am not a thief, and I couldn't steal from my mother... She is my best friend. I want trust to be given back, but it won't happen. Just the other day mom needed a prescription refilled a script that had to be picked up at the Dr. office. My younger brother and his wife picked it up for her and got it filled. They brought the script to her then proceeded to give her enough pills for like 2 days. The prescription then went home with them to ensure my mom was taking the correct dose and to ensure they would be safe. In other words to keep them from Paul Michael. Another break in my heart occurred. I have never done anything wrong to my brothers wife, but on more than one occasion I have been verbally attacked by her when she stuck her nose in a disagreement I was having with my mother. Telling me to "Bring it on Bitch." for one I am no ones bitch, I never have been nor will I. When I politely ask her to stay out of things that don't concern her it is misconstrued and of course I am the bad guy. There are times I wish I could leave and just start over, It will never happen though. My mom should be in charge of her own medicine and the medicine should be here where she can get to them. If it is her telling them to keep the meds for her to keep them from me then tell me mom. If they are just keeping them because they feel the need to they have no right to do so. I am not an angel nor have I ever professed to being one but I WOULD NOT STEAL FROM MY MOM!!!!! If you think I would then FUCK YOU!!! I love my family with all me being, with my heart, with all my soul. Today I feel hurt and betrayed and it is because of this God forsaken mania. I could be doing much much worse things while under a mania spell people. I could be taking pills, smoking mariuana, smoking crack, doing meth, or sorting whatever the hell I could get my hands on, I know though family members aready think this is being done, oh well fuck them. My mania usually consists of me talkling non stop and and I do mean non stop and cleaning nearly everything imaginable. Which I don't think is to bad. I am sorry If I hurt anyone from this post but just stop and think about how hurt and saddened I am. What happened has just instantly stopped the mania and thrown me to an extremely low spot...yet again I want to curl up into a ball and fade.
I will Blog to you all tomorrow when I am sure I will feel somewhat better later all and thanks for listening well actually reading.
All My Love
Paul Michael Forester
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I know what it's like to want to dissapear, I would like to fade into the backround never to resurface at times. And NO ONE knows what you are going through, not even other bi-polar people, we all handle things differently. You just have to know that tomorrow will be a new day, a better day and everyday that the sun rises is a fresh start, every day is started with a clean slate and if you promise yourself, no one else, to make it the best day ever, no one will stop you! I am glad you have found some solace in blogging and I pray you find others to confide in and share your story, you could very soon be helping someone going through what you are going through, just from them reading your blogs and not feeling alone, knowing someone else fees the same way they do, so never be afraid to be honest in your blog...Let it be raw and real like these two, someone else might find solace in them and through that you could help save someone!!
ReplyDeleteLots of love!
B